Impossible Chapter one
by TheUnknowWritter
Summary: How do you explain to the person you have loved for 1 year your true feelings when that one person is your brother? Raphael is struggling with the idea of letting Leonardo know his true feelings but is too scared of breaking their brotherly bond. Will he tell Leo the truth or just keep it to himself? (Contains Tcest, you have been warned)
1. Chapter 1

Impossible Chapter 1

_Why? Someone please just tell me why! _

I often found myself screaming that one word in my head over and over again, I guess that it was easy to see that something was troubling me because every time I would think about it I always heard Donnie's voice in the distance before it got louder and louder.

"Raph! Earth to Raphael" I found myself shaking my head against that comment before I turned my head to look at the one person I knew that voice belonged to.

Beside me I saw Mikey looking at me as if I had been in some kind of trance and truth be told that never happened to me. I was the one out of my brothers to always push away my thoughts to moments when I would be alone, the one to space out like this would normally be Donatello and not me.

"Are you okay Raph?" I heard Donnie say not to long after Mikey's comment, I found myself letting out a sigh before I turned to look at Donnie.

"I'm just fine Donnie. Why are ya asking?" I responded casually but I could see from the look on his face that he didn't believe a word I've just told him.

"Because I've been trying to talk to you for the past 15 minutes and that's not like you at all" I knew he had a point there, normally it didn't take much to get my attention in a conversation but lately all these thoughts have been going through my head like an annoying song that you just can't get out of your head. But as strange as it sounds I actually enjoy some of these thoughts more than I know I should. In fact I shouldn't be enjoying them at all.

"Oh is that so? Well what did ya want?" I said as if there really were nothing wrong.

That's what separates me from my brothers, I'm way better at putting on a face to hide my true feelings and for these 16 years that I've known them it have always seemed to help. There have been a lot of times where I would be bothered by something but still not willing to talk about it and just putting on a face and saying that nothing is wrong have always helped, heck sometimes it even helped with Master Splinter.

"It's almost time for our morning training but I've been doing some research and since both Mikey and Leo already know about the results I was wondering if you wanted to know as well" That answer took me by surprise, normally Donnie would let everyone know if he would do any type of research but then again he might have told me at some point but I didn't listen to him.

"Normally I would say no but in this case I'll say yes" And it was true, normally I never cared about the research Donnie did. In fact I didn't care what he did at all, as long as he was careful. Even if I didn't let it show I cared more about my brothers then about my very own life. If my brothers were alive and well I could care less what happened to me.

The moment I saw Donnie get up from the chair I stood up as well, Donnie might be the smartest out of the four of us but he is terrible at hiding his feelings. He had a big smile on his face and his eyes just screamed happiness.

_I wonder if you even know how easy you are to read Donnie._

I found myself mentally state that before I put away the dishes from the small breakfast I had eaten, I know that eating before training is very important but lately I haven't been feeling hungry at all. It's like all my daily needs get pushed away by these thoughts and feelings of mine. I haven't slept for who knows how long and I know for sure that it's starting show.

Soon enough I found myself in Donnie's lab, staring at his laptop but what was written on it were something I thought I would never see.

What he was showing me were different documents of me, Leonardo, Michelangelo and himself. And written on the bottom of the document was that the four of us weren't even related by blood, we all came from different families originally.

It shocked me no doubt about that but deep inside of me I felt happy, probably way to happy for my liking. That meant that these feelings I have wouldn't be a problem? It wouldn't be seen as a disgrace?

I just wanted to break this face I had put up and smile, I normally never smiled so my brothers could see and a part of me kept it like this. No matter how happy I felt at the moment my habit of keeping up a face was still there and I had the look on my face that gave out nothing.

"So in short none of us are really brothers?" I soon enough found myself saying just to break this silence.

"Right, we have been raised to be brothers but in truth we are not brothers by blood" I heard Donnie say and the words being, raised as brothers, still hung in the back of my head. That's what the four of us were, brothers. I felt my heart sink in my chest thinking that to myself and who knows what might happen if my secret feelings came out.

I was too scared to even think that.

_I should just keep this act of mine up, it have worked for a whole year. Who says I can't keep going?_

I let out a sigh without realizing it and that made Donnie turn away from his laptop to look at me, I could see the concern in his eyes but he didn't have to be worried about me with this matter. I just hope this crush would go away soon.

"What's wrong? And don't go around saying nothing is wrong, I can tell that something is bothering you" I heard how serious he sounded, he really wanted to know but I couldn't let anyone know. This is my secret and I'm planning on keeping it that way.

"I'm just tired and hearing that we're not blood related brothers is quite a shock to take in" I said as I turned around and headed for the door.

I then heard Donnie sigh in defeat, he like the others knew how pointless it was to try and force me to tell them things that were bothering me. I know that I should let them know but it's not so easy, at least not this matter.

The moment I stepped out of Donnie's lab I saw both Mikey and Leo make their way to the dojo as our morning training would soon begin.

Before I fully walked out I let Donnie know and it didn't take long before I heard a few crashing noises from his lab as he was getting ready to join the rest of us.

The moment I walked into the dojo I could feel Master Splinter's eyes on me as I passed him to sit down on my knees beside Mikey, I guess he saw the exhausted look on my face because I heard him let out a sigh but I couldn't tell which kind of sigh that was.

Frustration or worry, it was hard to know with Splinter sometimes.

When our morning training ended I heard Splinter's voice telling me to stay behind.

"Someone is in trouble" I heard Mikey say in teasing tone but the moment I let out a small growl he was quick on his feet to get away from me.

When it was only me and Splinter left alone in the dojo I heard him sigh before I heard his footsteps as he made his way over to me.

"What's troubling you my son?" I finally heard him ask after a few minutes of silence and no matter how hard I wanted to tell him I just couldn't.

"Nothing sensei" I responded but I avoided to look him in his eyes.

"If everything is just fine then why do you look so exhausted?" It was no turning back from him I knew that much, when I he wanted answers he sure didn't give up until he got them.

"I haven't been sleeping these past few weeks, I don't know why but I just haven't" I lied to him and heard him sigh in frustration.

"If something is troubling you, you shouldn't keep it to yourself" I heard him start again with one of his lesions and to be honest I didn't listen to him this time either.

"I know" I just stated before I walked out of the dojo, I knew he wasn't done talking to me but the exhaustion had really gotten to me.

When I got out I heard Mikey go on and on about me being in some kind of trouble and for the first time in a long time I just ignored him and made my way over to my room.

Everyone was trying to get my attention but I didn't listen and when my door slammed shut I heard how they all got quiet, they knew better then to push my buttons. And I knew that was something they didn't want to do.

The moment I laid down on my bed it was as if my eyelids were too heavy because within minutes after my eyes closed I drifted off into a deep and much needed sleep.

**:: A small note to those who wonder what - that line means it simply means that I'm skipping a few hours in time. When I'm planning on skipping days, weeks or months I'll write that instead. This is my first time writing a TMNT fanfiction, if I could improve in some way please let me know. :: **


	2. Chapter 2

Impossible Chapter 2

_This is stupid, how can he keep going like this? Can't he see that he's slowly killing himself?_

I thought as I heard Donnie try to talk to Raph for the 10th time this morning but like earlier no response what so ever.

I was starting to get worried, first Raphael wouldn't eat then he wouldn't get enough sleep.

_Raph why can't you just tell me what's bothering you?_

I kept thinking that as I watched Raph get out of his trance as Mikey started talking to him, at first it looked like Raph had forgotten for a moment where he were before he turned his attention to Donnie. That made Mikey frown and get up from his seat and make his way over to me.

"Dude what's up with Raph lately?" Mikey asked me when both Donnie and Raph had walked into Donnie's lab.

"I have no idea Mikey but I would like know" I replayed before I let out a sigh.

Being the oldest out of the four of us could sure be hard sometimes mostly because I felt like I had to know everything about my brothers so I could help them if something was bothering them but I have never been able to do that with Raph. As soon as something was bothering him he just put on that face of his that showed no emotions what so ever while claiming that everything was just fine, I knew better than that. Having my room next to Raph I could often hear him talk to himself in a hushed mumble and the only word I could make out was.

Why?

What did he mean by that?

I could truly never know mostly because he refused to talk to any of us. It pained me to see Raphael like this, I love all my brothers and I don't care if we're not even related by blood. They will forever be my brothers.

My thoughts were soon broken by Mikey as he got up from his seat.

"Time for morning training" He said out loud in his normal cheerful voice, that's what's so unique with Mikey. He always saw the brightness in any situation and he could always make the rest of us smile, even though I admire this talent of his I know that sometimes he makes the wrong jokes at the wrong time.

I just smiled at my younger brother and stood up as well and not to long after that I heard the door to Donnie's lab open followed by Raph telling Donnie that our daily morning training had started.

Normally I would be happy to start training but seeing how Raph looked like I wasn't too keen to let him train, he should go back to bed and get some rest and I knew that if he kept this up Master Splinter would send him back to bed so he could get some well-deserved rest.

"Good morning my sons" I heard Splinter say to both me and Mikey which broke me from my thoughts.

"Morning sensei" Both me and Mikey said back almost in complete sync.

Not too long after that Raph walked into the dojo, his back was slightly hunched forward and he had dark black rings under his eyes and his eyes were blood shot from the lack of sleep. Seeing him like that made my heart sting.

Seeing Raph like that made Splinter sigh, I knew he wanted to send Raphael back to sleep but he also knew how much Raph would protest which would soon turn into bitter anger and he would take it out on the nearest object, in this case the walls. It was no denying that Raph had punched the walls a few times out of anger when he didn't have the training dummy around to take his anger out on. And after every time he had punched the wall he would have a small fracture in his hands and a lot of blood would cover both his hands and the area on the wall he had punched. Every time that happened I saw Donnie rush to his lab to get the first aid kit, Mikey would hide his face behind his hands, I would try and think of a way to stop him and Master Splinter would try to calm Raph down.

We often thought we had no idea why Raph was so angry all the time but deep down I think we all knew, he had so many things resting on his shoulders that he got frustrated over himself which would result in his tantrums. These things would most likely be problems that were bothering him or even normal thoughts or emotions and when he couldn't find the answer to them himself he would push it aside as things that were not important. He has always been too proud to talk about his problems to get help from the rest of us.

When the training ended I heard Master Splinter tell Raph to stay behind, hearing that I knew Mikey would take that as in Raph being in some kind of trouble.

And again I was right it didn't take long before I heard Mikey make a comment that Raph were in trouble which led to Raph growl in a warning tone to our younger brother, Mikey saw the hint and left the dojo faster than both me and Donnie.

"Do you really think he is in trouble Leo?" I heard Donnie ask as he looked at me in concern.

"No I don't, I think Splinter wants to know why he is so tired. You can tell just by looking at him that he haven't slept well for these past few weeks" I told him as I sat down on the couch.

"Good point, I would like to know that as well" Donnie responded before he disappeared into his lab once again.

"Yeah me too" I said out loud to no one.

It didn't take long before the door to the dojo opened and Raph walked out with Master Splinter behind him, saying over and over that he wasn't done yet.

That made Mikey walk over to Raph saying on over and over that he was in trouble but Mikey got no respond from Raph at all. He just passed him and me as he made his way over to his room.

I couldn't just stay quiet, I tried to get his attention as well by telling him over and over that Splinter was still talking to him but nothing. He just walked into his room and slammed the door shut after himself, that made all of us go quiet.

We knew better then to keep this up as it would mostly turn into Raph getting one of his tantrums again and I knew how much that scared Mikey and Donnie. Sure it scared me and Splinter as well but I didn't let it show and neither did our sensei. I had to be in order to calm both Mikey and Donnie down as for Splinter I think he did that just to show that in the end Raph would be just fine.

_If he's fine then why won't he talk to us? _

I always found myself asking that to myself every time Splinter told us Raph would be fine.

"What's wrong with him?" I suddenly heard Mikey say as he sat down beside me on the couch.

"He's probably just tired Mikey. Let him get some rest and I'm sure he'll be fine" I reassured my youngest brother.

I only got a sigh as a respond from Mikey as he turned to face to TV as he started a game, we had been training for almost 5 hours and even though we were all tired I don't think any of us were as tired as Raph. I thought for sure he would fall asleep during training but like always he pulled through, he might be hot-headed but he sure is the strongest out of the four of us.

"Dinner is here!" I heard Mikey burst out followed by April and Casey walking into our lair with pizza boxes in their hands, they didn't have to bring pizza with them all the time but April said it was her way of saying 'thank you' to us for letting her train ninjitsu for free with such a skilled master.

Mikey raced to the table after telling Donnie, Donnie on the other hand walked over to the table while rubbing one side of his head.

"Mikey you don't have to yell in my ear" He complained as he sat down and that comment made Mikey just laugh at him.

As I got up I decided to see if Raph wanted something to eat as well and if he would still be asleep I would of course let him sleep. How did I know he was asleep? Not so hard to know, like Mikey Raph would sometimes snore and I did hear a faint snoring sound coming from his room. The snoring wasn't as loud as Mikey's but it was loud enough for me to hear it when I had walked past his bedroom door.

"Leo…!" I heard Raph half scream my name before I had a chance to knock on the door, the scream wasn't that loud since none of the others seemed to have heard it.

When I opened the door to see what was wrong all I saw was Raph sitting up in his bed panting for air.

"Raph what's wrong" I asked as I walked over to him.


	3. Chapter 3

Impossible Chapter 3

"_Raphael Hamato stop this madness at once!" _I heard someone yell at me, it sounded so distant yet so close.

Finally after what seemed like hours my eyes snapped open, I had hoped it was one of the purple dragons that I had been punching but I was dead wrong.

I moved my head down to see who I had been punching so furiously with the handle one of my sais and when I saw who it was my eyes widen in fear.

Bellow me was my youngest brother Michelangelo. His face had been brutally beaten by me, I just stared at my blood stained sai and back to Mikey. It was hard to recognize him but I just had to see the orange blood stained bandanna to know it was him.

My body trembled in fear as I force myself to stand up, I had hoped that Mikey would move but he didn't move a muscle.

"How could you do this to your own brother?! He was only joking!" I heard Master Splinter say behind me.

Joking? About what?

I really had no idea.

Before anyone could say anything else I dropped my sai and ran for it, I ignored Leo as he called out for me and I ignored Master Splinter as he yelled out to me as well.

I messed up, BIG time.

I felt the tears grow in my eyes knowing what I had done, killed my very own brother in anger.

Normally I would try and stop the tears but this time I didn't, I let them fall as I pushed myself to run faster. Away from everyone else so they wouldn't get hurt.

I just ran until I tripped on something that made me fall forward and land on my knees, I wanted to get up so bad and just keep running but I was unable to so I gave up and just sat there on my knees with my hands in front of me and tears streaming down my face.

"I'M SORRY! So very, very sorry!" I knew I could never be forgiven but I found myself screaming it over and over, hoping someone would hear me.

"Why Mikey…..? Why did it have to be you….." I said to myself after getting no respond.

My tears wouldn't stop falling and my sobs were easily heard throughout the part of the sewers I was in.

I had no idea how long I had been sitting here, crying for the loss of my brother. I didn't just lose him I killed him with my very own weapon.

"There you are…." I heard Leo say behind me, I could hear the sadness in his voice.

"P-Please….. J-J-Just lea-leave me al-alone" I forced myself to say between my sobs.

"No" I heard him respond to me as he made his way over to me.

I knew he was close, I could feel his eyes on me and the moment I felt a hand on my shoulder I stood up and walked away from him.

"Don't touch me!" I screamed but soon broke down and continued to cry.

Normally I would never cry so my brothers could see but in this case I just couldn't stop the tears, I wasn't the one to break down like this but Mikey had been so innocent. Just made a joke and I snapped something I hoped I would never do at least not snap so I would kill one of my own brothers. Sure they got on my nerves but that's what brothers do, Annoy you in some way but inside you know they never mean it.

He didn't say a word to me but I could feel his eyes stare at me and before I could react I felt him wrap his arms around me as he pulled me into a hug. At first I tried to get free but the fact that I was still crying, I just couldn't find the strength to pull free so I gave up and eventually returned the hug.

"It's going to be okay Raph" I heard Leo say and even though he tried to hide it I could still hear the sadness in his voice.

"H-How w-will th-things b-be ju-just o-okay? I ki-killed M-Mi-Mikey…!" I forced myself to say back to Leo and I knew that in a way I was right, nothing would change what I had done.

"In time you'll see….." I heard him respond and that didn't make any sense at all to me.

Before I could react I felt something cold and sharp go through my side and I let out a scream of pain as I turned to look at what was going on. Deep in my right side was one of Leo's katanas, blood was slowly coming out from the wound and I knew if he ripped the katana out I would surely bleed to death.

"With you out of the picture to bring us more harm everything will be okay" I heard him say before I had to scream again as the katana was pulled out. It hurt so bad and I wanted to talk to my older brother but was unable to.

I slowly felt myself getting cold and the world around me seemed to go black and I knew that if I wanted him to know I had to say something now.

"L-Leo….. I-I ju-just w-w-want to s-say th-that I lo-love yo-you mo-more th-the-then j-just a bro-brother…I h-hope th-that y-you c-can on-one d-day for-forgive me…." I forced myself to say that even though talking was hard as I was choking on my own blood.

I heard him speak to me but I couldn't make out what it was, I only felt something warm on my forehead.

"Leo….!" I managed to say before the world got black.

And that also brought me out from my nightmare.

_Just a nightmare as always….._

I thought to myself and I kept panting for air, I also knew that my eyes were wide open from the shock after what happened in the dream and I was sweating slightly.

This is the reason behind me not being able to sleep, I either I had a nightmare where I would be killed by Leo or I would have sex dreams about Leo.

The nightmares was the worst, they were always so real. Way more real than the other dreams mostly because I knew in the back of my head that I could kill one of my brothers in anger since I wasn't fully aware of what I was doing during my tantrums.

Raph what's wrong?" I heard Leo's voice say to me, I turned my head to look at him. He was slowly making his way over to me.

_How long have he been standing there?_

I asked myself but I couldn't say a word to Leo, I was still in a light shock after the dream but I knew that I had to tell him.

"Nothing…..Just a bad dream…." I said before I let out a sigh as I stood up.

"A nightmare? That's what has kept you awake all this time?" I heard him question me and in a way that was true but not the full truth, I just couldn't tell him about the other dreams.

"Yeah" Was the only replay I gave him and before I got the chance to leave my own room I felt a hand on my shoulder as Leo stopped me from leaving. His touch gave me chills on my neck, I just hope he didn't notice that.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I finally heard him say, deep down I did but I just couldn't.

"No I just want to forget about it" I said as I removed his hand and walked out of my room.

I knew he was following me because not to long after I had left my room I heard the door being closed and I wasn't the one who had closed it.

When I could smell the scent of pizza I slowly made my way over to the kitchen but I refused to let anyone know about my nightmare, I didn't want to think what Mikey would say if he found out. And I definitely didn't want to know what Leo would do, just the pure thought of what he might do sent chills of fear down my spine.

For now I put on a face and pretended like I had gotten at least some sleep but in truth I felt more tired now than I did this morning but I didn't want anyone to know that, I didn't want them to worry about me more than they already did.


	4. Chapter 4

Impossible Chapter 4

I had to fight urge to stop Raph once more as he headed for the door, I knew in the back of my head that by doing so I might making it all worse and I didn't plan on making it worse since I was trying to make it better but if things continue like this it might be too late.

_Don't push me away Raph, I just want to help you._

I mentally stated before I walked out of Raph's room and closed the door after me.

I followed Raph into the kitchen where the rest of our brothers were as well as April and Casey.

"Are you feeling okay Raph? You look like you have seen a ghost" I heard Casey state and I had to agree it sure looked like it.

"Yeah I'm just fine" There he goes again with his lies but if I didn't know about him having nightmares almost every night or that he talks to himself in the middle of the night while everyone was asleep I would buy his lies as well.

"Then why do you look so tired?" April said out of nowhere, at least it sounded like it for me since I had been lost in my own thoughts to even listen to a single thing the others said.

"I just haven't been sleeping so well so it's nothing really" He stated as he continued to eat his pizza, I knew that Raph was probably hungry but whenever something troubled him he wouldn't eat enough until he found a solution to the problem or would just push it aside.

_This is stupid! I shouldn't just stand by and let this happen! I must do something._

Though thinking it was a lot easier then actually doing something about the problem, I knew that if I did one thing wrong I could only make things worse and that is something I am not planning on doing.

I wanted to speak with Raph so badly but I couldn't think of the right words to say so I decided to just stay quiet, for a while it worked until Donnie got the hint that something was troubling me.

"Are you okay Leo?" I heard him question me, I gave quick glance at Raph only to my relief see that he was once again lost in his own thoughts.

"I'm just worried about Raph, I just know that something is troubling him but he refuses to say a word to any of us" I said back to him but only loud enough so Donnie could hear me, I didn't want Casey and April to know just yet.

He didn't respond to that but I knew that Donnie felt the same he was worried for Raphael just as much as me, Splinter and Mikey were. I honestly think Donnie is worried almost as much as me and Splinter are. I know how close Donnie and Raph were as tots, whenever something was troubling Donnie he went to talk to Raph while Mikey came to me. I never wanted anyone to know but I miss the calm and soft side I saw in Raph every time he comforted Donnie. When he got older it was as if that side just disappeared.

_What happened to you Raph? Why did you become like this?_

I had so many questions that I wanted him to answer but a part of me were scared of asking them, fearing that I would just make this whole thing worse.

Suddenly Raph stood up and just walked away, he hadn't been eating much now either but I knew that Master Splinter hated when one of us went off on our own so I decided to follow him, I had finished my pizza anyway.

"Hey Leo where are you going?" I heard Donnie say but I only had to point to Raph as a respond, the moment he saw Raph he just gave me a nod and I knew that he would come up with something if Master Splinter asked.

We had been walking around for what seemed like hours but Raph didn't stop, he just kept going. A part of me just wanted to walk over to him and stop him but at the same time I wanted to know where he was heading.

"This is all my fault! Just why won't it go away?!" I heard Raph yell out to no one, I wasn't expecting that so it startled me but I didn't make a sound. I didn't want him to know that I was around.

"I can't keep going like this! It's _killing _me….." Hearing him talk to himself like that pained me and more than usual, sure I always hated to see my brothers being troubled or hurt but lately I've felt myself being more concerned for Raph than I have ever been.

_It's now or never. I have to ask him or it will be too late._

After telling myself that I took a deep breath and walked over to him.

"Are you sure you're okay Raph?" I asked and I knew I had startled him, his arms had moved slightly upwards as if he had been stopping himself from jumping backwards in fear.

"Yes I'm fine…." I heard him respond but before I could say anything he spoke again.

"If you can promise me _one_ thing" He finished and I had no idea what he meant by that but if I would finally know the reason it was worth to just agree.

"Promise you what?" I said and tried to reach out to him but he just took a step back to avoid me.

"That no matter what our bond as brothers will _never_ be broken" I saw the look of hope and hurt in his eyes, the sight made it feel like daggers cut through my heart.

"Of course it won't, what makes you think that?" After I said that the look of hope got bigger and he looked relived for the first time in weeks.

"Nothing really, I just wanted to make sure" He said and gave me a faint smile before he walked past me to get back to the lair.

"Come on fearless, race you back to the lair" I heard him say in a teasing tone, normally Mikey would be the one to say that but I didn't disagree.

"Just don't get angry when I beat you" I told him as he ran past him which caused him to curse at me before he was after me.

Raph might have been going easy on us all those times we went above ground because normally I would always be head of my brothers but it didn't take long until Raph caught up to me and I could see the grin on his face.

"Don't be angry fearless just because you lost" He told me after I finally got back to the lair, he was finally coming back to his senses and boy was I happy to know that.

"Oh you two are back" I heard Donnie's voice say and gave me a look and I knew what he wanted to know but for now I ignored that and just gave him a smile.

"Yeah we would have been back faster if Leo here hadn't been so slow" I heard Raph say and that caught my attention.

"Oh really? I thought it would be your fault since you were the one who walked away like that and not me" I defended which only made Raph chuckle.

"Whatever you say fearless but I still beat you" He said and that smirk was still there but the tired look in his eyes told me that he was going to get some rest.

And as if I was right I saw Raph make his way over to his own bedroom, again. But this time I wasn't feeling too worried but it was still there for some reason.

_Get some rest Raph, you need it._

I mentally stated and I didn't even notice that Donnie had walked up to me.

"So what happened?" His voice brought me out of my thoughts as I turned my head to look at him.

"Nothing really but we was worried that our bond as brothers would be broken but I don't know why" I responded and looked back at Raph's bedroom door.

"Maybe he is scared of his temper? You know that he might hurt one of us so badly one day that our trust and bond as brothers will be broken" After hearing that it felt like I knew the reason behind his nightmare and it sent a chill down my spine.

"Let's just hope that never happens" I said low to myself as I watched Donnie walk back to his lab, April might help him with something because the moment he walked inside his lab I did hear a faint mumble that sounded like April.

As for Casey he was gone and so was Mikey, boy where at those two gone now? Out skateboarding somewhere in the sewers again I bet. I small chuckle escaped me, this sure is one odd family but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

_Get well soon Raph, for me. I need you to help me being the older brother for Donnie and Mikey. More so I just need you….._

The thought hung in my head and I couldn't help but to wonder why I just wanted Raph to be with me.


	5. Chapter 5

Impossible Chapter 5

I forced myself to put on yet another face as I sat down at the table, at first I wasn't planning on eating anything but I knew that I had to.

"Are you okay Raph? You look like you've seen a ghost" I heard Casey ask me and I knew that I probably didn't look too good, both from the lack of sleep and food but also the memory of my nightmare that was still lingering in the back of my head.

Seeing Mikey like that and knowing I had done it….. It felt too real to be true.

_No Raphael this is not the time to be thinking such things, ignore it and answer him._

"Yeah I'm just fine" I forced myself to lie once again, I never wanted to lie but what should I say then?

_Oh nothing just had a nightmare about me smashing Mikey's face in, killing him in the process._

No way I was going to say that so I kept the act up and as usual Casey just dropped it while April wasn't that easy to convince.

"Then why do you look so tired?" She finally asked me and fought the urge to yell at her to just drop the matter and leave me alone.

"I just haven't been sleeping so well so it's nothing really" And in a way it wasn't a complete lie since I had been sleeping terribly but it still wasn't the flat out truth.

For a while she tried to make me tell her the reason but I didn't say a word, I just sat there and forced myself to eat a slice of pizza. I didn't feel hungry at all but I knew that I actually was but since I was troubled by these emotions and thoughts I just couldn't bring myself to eat anything, it was as if a part of me just wanted to disappear somewhere so I didn't have to worry about hurting my brothers and most of all not having to worry about hurting Leo anymore. Every time I did something that hurt him it hurt me a thousand times more and it felt like I could never forgive myself for it or that he would forgive me. But in the end he always did.

_Why are you always acting like the kindhearted big brother Leo? You know that I deserve to be punished if I have done something wrong._

When that thought slipped my head a small memory of me and Leo as tots flashed through my head.

**Flashback **

"_Aw come on Raph! Stop it! You're gonna get us in trouble!" I heard Leo tell me but I refused to listen, I wanted to do this._

"_Come on Leo! Loosen up! It's not like we're gonna get hurt" I stated as I crawled through a small opening._

_Me and Leo were playing our favorite game of "Follow the leader" while our two younger brothers were still asleep, they were so tired after Master Splinter's training that they just fell asleep once they got back to their rooms. Me and Leo on the other hand just rested for a while then we were right back up on our feet. _

_Not coming up with anything better to do we decided to play "Follow the leader" and for a while Leo was the leader but I got bored so I protested and said it was my turn and it took some time before Leo finally agreed. I didn't mind following Leo around mostly because he could find a lot of fun stuff to do but he never took some risks and that was the boring part. _

"_But what if Master Splinter finds out that we went above ground? He'll make us stay down here for the rest of our lives!" Leo complained once again as he followed me through the hole, I knew that part very well but I had come across this secret part of the sewer once when I had gone off on my own and saw the manhole cover over me and I just knew I had to bring Leo with me. _

"_I know but he won't find out. He and our brothers are sleeping and we'll be back before he even wakes up" I said and tried to sound confident put in the end I didn't. _

_Leo didn't say much after that, he just followed me in silence as I pushed the manhole cover open. It took some time to get it open but once it was all I saw was a dark room of some sort. Eh boring so far but I wasn't disappointed in fact it made me get out of the sewer to look around some more._

"_What are you doing?! What if someone is in there?" I heard Leo say in a terrified tone. _

"_Don't be silly Leo, it's empty" I said proudly and indeed the building was empty._

_It took some time before Leo got out but once he did he only looked around for a few minutes until the sound from a light growl made both of us turn our heads to the sound. Not too far from us we saw a big dog. I had heard from Splinter that was what humans called them and from the sound from this dog, it wasn't a friendly one. I was quick on my feet to get back into the sewer but Leo wasn't, he had frozen up and when I saw the dog bite him in the arm my eyes widen and I got back up and hit the dog over and over with random things I saw on the ground._

_No use the dog didn't move an inch so I turned my head and looked at the manhole cover, I knew that I couldn't carry but for some strange reason the need to protect Leo made it possible for me to lift the cover up so it hit the dog on the side of its head. That also made it drop Leo and was quick to his side and got him back down the sewer, luckily for us the dog couldn't follow us. _

"_Are you okay Leo?!" I shouted at my older brother, knowing it was my fault that he got injured in the first place._

"_I'm fine Raph…..Really" I knew he was lying, he had a deep wound on his arm and if that dog would have started to shake him I knew it would have ripped Leo's arm off._

"_No you're not!" I said back before I walked around the area and luckily for me I found a piece of cloth._

_I quickly walked back to Leo and put it around his wound to stop the bleeding, I knew he needed to get that checked by Master Splinter so once I was done I forced Leo up on his feet and walked back to the lair._

**End of flashback **

When we got back Splinter got so angry at me as if he knew it was my fault but Leo took the blame, I could have gotten him killed that night but he still forgave me.

_I need some time for myself but I don't want my brothers to know._

Some time for myself always made me feel a bit better so I got up on my feet and just started walking, I didn't care where I was going as long as it was away from my brothers, April and Casey.

After a while I finally slowed down but I didn't stop fully and now I couldn't hold it in much longer, I just wanted to scream.

"This is all my fault! Just why won't it go away?!" I half screamed, it felt good for some reason but it wasn't enough.

"I can't keep going like this! It's _killing me_….." I finally forced myself to stop this ranting on myself, I hadn't done anything bad I was just in love with Leo.

"Are you sure you're okay Raph" I heard Leo said behind, just how long have he been standing there?

"Yes I'm fine…" I started, I wanted to tell him so badly but I just couldn't! The fear got the best of me.

"If you can promise me _one_ thing" I managed to say and I knew that he was confused but it was the closet to the answer I wanted.

"Promise you what?" When I heard him respond that the hope and fear grew inside me but I just needed to hear him say that no matter what we are still brothers.

"That no matter what our bond as brothers will _never _be broken" Now I just needed to hear his respond and each passing second made my heart race in my chest.

"Of course it won't, what makes you think that?" I was happy to hear him say that, it meant more to me then he could ever imagine.

"Nothing really, I just wanted to make sure" I said and I couldn't help but give him a smile as if I was trying to reassure him that I meant it.

"Come on fearless, race you back to the lair" I said in an unusual happy tone but Leo didn't seem to have noticed, good.

"Just don't get angry when I beat you" I heard him say and with that he was gone.

I cursed at him in a joking matter before I ran after him.

At first Leo was in the lead but it didn't take long before I past him, I saw the slight surprised look in his eyes but that only made me grin at him.

The moment I ran inside the lair I turned around and waited a few seconds before Leo stopped in front of me with a slight look of amusement and anger in his eyes.

"Don't be angry fearless just because you lost" I said in a teasing tone, I didn't want to sound mean I just wanted to keep his suspicion low.

"Oh you two are back" I heard Donnie say, he looked surprised but also relived.

"Yeah we would have been back faster if Leo here hadn't been so slow" I said just to get Leo's attention as well as making it sound like I was getting back to my old self.

"Oh really? I thought it would be your fault since you were the one who walked away like that and not me" So he had been following me all along.

"Whatever you say fearless but I still beat you" I said and kept the grin on my face as I made my way over to my room.

Once I was laying on my bed again I couldn't help to sigh in relief. So if Leo would find out about the crush I have on him it wouldn't be so bad, we would still be brothers no matter what.

_Thank you Leo for making my heart feel a little bit more at ease, you have no idea how much hearing you say that meant for me._

I thought before I drifted off once more into a deep sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Impossible Chapter 6

I don't know how long I had been asleep but when I finally woke up I almost fell out of the bed when I got rid of my blurry vision.

Right next me was none other than Leonardo.

After seeing that I was out of the bed faster than I had ever been in my life, that's when I saw that beside Leo was Donatello and laying on top of Donnie was Mikey. All of my brothers were lying on my bed but why? We haven't done that in years.

All because Leo thought we were getting too old.

Upon seeing my brothers like that I couldn't help but to smile but that smile wasn't on for that long.

Not too long after I had gotten out of the bed I saw Donnie shift before he turned around to look at me.

"Oh you're finally awake" I heard Donnie say before he gave me a smile.

"What do you mean by that? How long was I out?" I felt myself being forced to ask that question.

"2 days, almost 3" He stated before he let out a yawn.

"What are you all doing in my bed?" I don't know why I didn't want to ask that but in the same time I wanted to know.

"It was Mikey's idea he thought that if he laid down beside you every night you would soon wake up. He got worried when you didn't wake up after a whole day had passed." Donnie explained to me.

_Should have known Mikey would have done such a thing, he is the only one who still acts like a tot._

I thought to myself but my thoughts were interrupted by Mikey as he woke up and when he saw me, he rushed out of bed and wrapped his arms around me.

"Dude! You're finally awake!" He yelled out which made him wake up Leo in the process.

"Yeah I'm up, guess I just needed that long sleep" I said and tried to sound happy but I have never been a fan of hugs but I couldn't bring myself to just push Mikey off me.

"We know" Was all I heard as I saw Leo get out of the bed followed by Donnie.

"I'm going to let Master Splinter know!" I heard Mikey say a bit too loudly in my ear before he left my room as fast as he could.

"So what's been going on while I was out?" I asked since I knew I must have missed some fights against either the foot, kraang or the purple dragons.

"Not much really, just a fight against kraang and it was hard to fight against them without you. I guess Master Splinter was right, we are stronger when the four of us are together" I heard Leo tell me and I couldn't help but to mentally curse to myself, I hated it when I missed a good fight.

"Well at least I'm finally awake and I feel a lot better" I said as I walked out of my room, I haven't been training for 2 almost 3 days and I couldn't wait to start my training again but first I needed something to eat.

"I can tell" I heard Donnie say and that made me look at him but he just gave me a smile.

I gave him a small smile in return before I looked straight ahead again as I headed towards the kitchen but I stopped in my tracks when I saw Splinter walk out of his room with Mikey beside him. I could tell that Splinter was worried, it was written all over his face.

"You're finally awake Raphael" I heard Splinter say before he gave me a smile.

"How do you feel now after your rest?" He said almost immediately.

"Just fine sensei, better than before actually" I said but before I could move, Mikey appeared in front of me.

"So you weren't really fine before?" I could hear the worry in his voice as he told me that.

"I was fine Mikey but at the same time I wasn't because of the lack of sleep" I told him and I could tell that he didn't fully believe me but since he was who he is he just gave me a big smile.

"Does that mean you had nightmares?" I didn't like to admit it but it was true and I knew that Mikey just tried to annoy me like a brother does but this time I decided to let him know the truth and not just play along.

"Yes Mikey, I did have nightmares" I said and the goofy smile he had disappeared, Mikey might joke around a lot but he also knew when a joke wasn't funny and making fun of someone that had nightmares was not on his list of things that were seen as fun.

"Dude what were those nightmares about to keep even you awake at night?" I knew he would ask me that.

"I don't want to get into it Mikey, I just want to put that behind me and forget about it. After all they were just dreams and not reality" And I mentally thanked myself for knowing that much.

"Oh come on! Pleeeeeaaaase tell me" He started to beg and I couldn't help to give off a light chuckle.

"No means no Mikey" I said and petted him on his head before I walked around him to get something to eat now I really felt just how hungry I was.

I heard Mikey protest after I just ignored him but that just made me grin, Mikey might be a teenager but he acts like he is still a tot and if Master Splinter is right Mikey could be the best ninja out of the four of us but being how he is Mikey never truly tried to master the skills he had.

In a way it made me jealous of him, if I had nearly as much skills as Mikey I would train harder than ever to master the art of ninjitsu but then again its Mikey I'm talking about.

After I had gotten something to eat and trained with my brothers I decided to keep training, I had gone 2 days without it after all and I wanted to catch up on the lack of training. Master Splinter of course didn't want me to overwork myself too quickly but after Leo had told him that he would keep an eye on me Splinter gave in and let me continue my training.

I had no idea how long I had been training but I sure felt it in my whole body but no matter how hard I wanted to stop I just didn't, that was until my legs gave up and I collapsed and landed on my knees. I tried to stop myself from panting so much but I was too tired and I had overworked myself just like Splinter told me I shouldn't do.

"Raph! Are you okay?" I heard Leo say and before I knew it Leo had wrapped my arm around his neck as he helped me to stand up.

At that moment I wanted to pull away from him, I was scared of being this close to him. I knew I loved him, it was no denying it. Every time I see him I feel happier than I have ever done and I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside my stomach and when he leaves I feel so cold and lost. But I feel the worst when he is hurt, I can't describe the feeling I get when I see the pained look on his face.

"Yeah I'm fine, just pushed myself too hard I guess" I forced myself to say before I removed my arm from his neck and took one step away from him.

He didn't say anything at first he just stared at me, I felt uncomfortable but I tried my best to hide it but I had no idea if I was able to or not.

"If you say so" He finally said and I couldn't help but to feel relieved.

"But tell me one thing Raph. Why have you been so distanced from me lately?" That question made my heart drop for a moment before I felt it speed up.

"Don't know, guess it's because I know how much you and I argue and I guess I don't want to argue so much with you. Don't tell me you can't see how it makes both Mikey and Donnie get worried." I said and I saw something shift in his eyes but I wasn't sure of what.

"Yes I am aware of that but pushing me away from you won't make it better." And I knew he was right about that.

"And why were you so worried about our bond as brothers anyway?" I didn't want him to ask me that but he just did and I could feel my body freeze up.

I didn't know what to do or what to say, my bind was blank and all I could think about were emotions. My feelings towards Leo and all the things I wanted to say just disappeared from my head. I knew I had to say something and fast before Leo would get the hint and force it out of me and I knew that in the end I would give up and tell him but how could I tell him this?

Better yet how would he react upon hearing that one of his brothers has had a crush on him for over a year without saying anything? I didn't' want to know but at the same time I wanted to hear his answer.

_Come on Raphael say something! Anything! _

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out not a sound.

_Great just great… I'm screwed…_

I didn't want to think that but how couldn't I? Leo was staring at me waiting for an answer but I just couldn't give it to him.

Oh boy what am I going to do…?


	7. Chapter 7

Impossible Chapter 7

It's been a whole day since Raphael went to sleep and even though I knew he needed to rest I couldn't help but to feel worried. I knew as well as Mikey and Donnie that Raph haven't been eating enough and that made him low on energy and if you mix that up with the fact he haven't been sleep for who knows how long I just knew that the result wasn't good. Even if I tried to hide my worry I wasn't able to, both Mikey and Donnie knew how worried I was, it was easily shown during both practice and when we were out on patrol.

I know that I shouldn't be worried but I can't help it.

"Is he still not awake?" I heard April ask out loud to any of us and since both Donnie and Mikey avoided answering I was the only one left that had to answer.

"No he's still asleep but I'm sure he'll wake up at some point, he just needs some sleep that's all" I didn't want to reveal too much to her, I had told Donnie that Raph suffered from nightmares eventually because he refused to stop asking me if I knew.

I didn't know the full truth but when I had walked in on Raph the other day while he was still asleep, everything about him screamed that he had in fact a nightmare and even though I know Raph isn't the one to get nightmares easily I just knew that it must be something on his mind that is the reason behind him getting nightmares every night for so long. But since he never wants any of us to worry about him he never talks about them. What he doesn't know is that by not telling us he is making us worry about him even more, even when we were all tots he still never talked about his nightmares no matter how much we tried to get him to tell us. And when one of us had one he always tried to make us feel better, he even tried to make me feel better when I had one and if you knew about all the arguments we've been having lately you wouldn't believe that we were not just brothers as tots but also best friends.

We did almost everything together back then, sure our bonds between Donnie and Mikey was good as well but the bond me and Raph had was unbreakable. Then I started to take more responsibility mostly because I knew I was the oldest but also because I wanted to be the leader so bad. When Raph found out about it he stopped being around me for too long and we started to argue a lot, I never wanted it to turn out like the way it did but I can't really change anything either. I am the oldest brother and also the leader so I do have a big responsibility. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the old Raph but at the same time I can't force him to become like his old self.

My eyes moved from looking forward at nothing to the clock that were hanging in the living room, at some point Donnie had put it there but I had no idea why but I'm glad it is because it makes it easier to keep track of time. The clock was exactly 1 am and I knew that it was pitch black outside by now which meant it was time for me and my brothers to go on our daily patrol, normally I would look forward to the patrol but doing it without Raphael felt so weird and not to mention that if we would get into a fight it would be harder to fight without him but if that happens I guess I'll just try and figure out something.

"Come on it's time for our patrol" I said out loud before I stood up from the couch, I knew that Mikey was looking at me from the beanbag but I avoided to look at him.

"Without Raph? Again?" Was the only answer I got from my youngest brother.

"Yes Mikey, you know he needs to sleep or do I have to get Master Splinter to tell you again?" I replayed and looked at Mikey, I didn't mean to sound angry but he was getting on my nerves. I know he cares about Raph but so do I but I can't wake him up just because Mikey, Donnie or me wants him to come along with us for our patrol.

I only heard a sigh come from Mikey before he stood up and he was heading to Donnie's lab to get Donnie and after a short while both of them walked out and then the three of us were off. We ran through the sewers and made our way up the sewers and after a while I saw a manhole cover but before I fully opened it to get out I lifted it up slightly to make sure no one was around. Like always the streets were empty and I quickly made my way out followed closely by Donnie and Mikey, the three of us quickly made our way up to the roof tops and avoided to stay too long on the same place.

We moved quickly from roof top to roof top, being careful so we weren't standing in any form of light and if there were any we moved quickly out of it. At the same time we checked every street, every alley and every store for any type of criminal activity but for hours we found nothing and just as I was about to call it a night the sound of a car speeding off caught my attention. I quickly moved to the edge of the roof top and looked down on the street and I saw the same white van I knew the kraang used every time they were transporting something or were on their way to get something.

"Where do you think that van is heading Donnie?" I asked him as I ran after the van on the roof top so I wouldn't lose it.

"Probably to one of the kraang's hideouts but I'm not sure" I heard I'm answering me we were running out of time as it was slowly getting lighter outside. It was summer time and that meant we couldn't stay above ground for too long.

I didn't like that about summer but I couldn't really do anything about that but the thing I hated the most had to be it was also at this time it was mating season for turtles and being a mutated turtle I could still feel it affect me but I tried my best to hide it and it seemed to work. One person that had it the hardest have to be Donnie, not only does he have a crush on April but he also spends a lot of time with her and I just know that the older he gets the harder it gets for him to control himself. As for Mikey I'm not so sure but I can tell from the look in his eyes that mating season is affecting him but he doesn't want to show it which could be why he is joking around a lot more as of right now with all of us, mostly Donnie for some reason. And lastly Raph and to be honest I have no idea when it comes to him, if he is hiding just like I do then he is doing a hell of a good job because none of us can see it. I will never forget that time Mikey asked me if I knew since I was the oldest but I had to disappoint him and say no.

_Get our head straight Leo you can't be thinking about this kind of stuff right now, you have to stop the kraang._

I mentally told myself to get the thoughts out of my head and when I saw the van turn and drive into a building I knew we must have found another kraang hideout. I quickly came to a stop and started to scan the outside of the building and luckily I didn't see that many of them, 4 the most.

"Okay it looks like there is 4 guards outside the building, we need to take them out and make our way inside and because we don't have Raph with us we'll have to try and be more stealthy" I told my two younger brothers who also seemed to scan the building.

"Mikey you'll take out the guard that is in front of the main entrance to the building, Donnie you take the one in the alley where the van had driven into and I'll take the two on the roof. Meet me up there once the guards have been taken care of." I told my brothers who gave me a nod before the three of us made our way to take out the guards.

When I was up on the roof top I took out my katanas as quietly as I could and watched my brothers, Mikey was on the roof opposite of this one with a bow and an explosive arrow in his hands, in the alley I saw Donnie in the shadows with his bow staff and he took out the hidden blade from it. As soon as Mikey had fired the arrow, making it go through the kraang robot and explode Donnie cut through the guard's robot chest and that was my signal. In a quick draw I cut through both the guards in front of me in half and both of them fell forward and as usual the alien-brain things crawled out of them while screaming. Not long before that me and Mikey were in the Alley were Donnie were waiting and I opened one of the windows as quietly as I could before the three of us jumped through the window.

The moment we were inside I couldn't help but feel that something was wrong I don't know why but a part of me just wanted to turn around and get back out, inside the building were more kraang robots way more than outside of course but something seemed odd. Normally they would talking to each other about what they were doing but this time none of them said a word, my suspicion only got worse when I saw a giant look tank filled with the mutogen. I looked back to my brothers who seemed to have noticed my suspicion.

"Okay I have no idea what they are doing in here but we have to stop them…" I whispered to them and I could see the worried look on Donnie's face.

I just ignored that for now and started to go over the plan, most of the robots were on the second floor of the building so I would take them out one by one while Mikey and Donnie took out those on the first floor. I hated to go alone but I knew that I could get out a fight like this easier then both Mikey and Donnie and with Raph at home I didn't have much of a choice. When we were all in position the three of us moved together and at first things went of smoothly but that soon got harder when out of nowhere more robots appeared and all of us had to re-group and fight our way to the tank that was filled with mutogen. But getting there was easier said and done the robots kept shooting their laser guns at us. I tried my best to stay clear of their shooting but one shot nearly missed me and I ended up with a small open wound on my arm, it hurt like hell but I just took a few deep breaths and pushed myself forward.

Finally after fighting for who knows how long we made it and Donnie worked on setting up the explosives, we didn't know what they were doing but we had to blow this place sky high. Who knows what they were going to do with this much mutogen.

"Hurry up Donnie!" I screamed at him as I tried my best to keep the robots busy with a little help from Mikey.

"I'm working as fast as I can!" I heard him yell back at me.

"Okay the explosives are set!" And boy was I glad he said that, both me and Mikey and been shot a few times and we needed to tend to our wounds.

"Then let's get out of here!" And with that said the three of us left the building through the same window and the moment we got down in the sewers a loud explosion was heard over our heads.

We didn't say a word to one another, we had been above ground for too long and we all knew that. Not only could we have been spotted by humans but I also got us all killed for not listening to my gut feeling like I should have, I just knew that something was off about that place and I didn't see that I had gotten us all into a trap? I felt so stupid right now.

It didn't take long before we got back to the lair and when we did the first thing I saw was a worried but still happy Splinter.

"You are finally back. I got worried for a moment, sit down and I'll get the first aid-kit" Splinter told all of us and we didn't disobey him, we all sat down on chairs and waited.

Once our wounds had been taken care of Mikey almost jumped to his feet and I saw him make his way over to Raph's room.

"Where are you going Mikey? He needs to sleep remember" I told him and stood up as well.

"I know but remember that I told you that I wouldn't stop sleeping in his bedroom until he wakes up" He told me as he turned around.

I just let out a sigh and followed him I did protest at first for doing this but a part of me and missed this so much. The four of us sleeping in Raph's bed because Mikey was scared that one of us would leave and this family would be broken. I tried to tell him that it would never happen but he refused to listen to me, so after a while I gave up and agreed to it and for those times it lasted I was really happy. But I knew we couldn't keep it up, we were all growing up and we have to stop acting like tots but Mikey never did grow up.

Before I knew it I found myself standing in Raph's room with Mikey on my left and Donnie on my right but my eyes was still fixed on Raph. It had been so long since I've last seen him sleep and I guess this is the only time I'll ever see him so calm. And before I could do anything else Mikey pushed me over to the bed as a sign that I should lay down first, I wanted to protest but that was already too late. I'm here after all and if I turned back now who knows what Mikey would think? So I just went with it and laid down beside the oldest of my three little brothers, it felt weird yet I had to fight the urge to wrap my arms around him. And within minutes Donnie laid down beside me and Mikey laid down on top of Donnie, it didn't look to comfortable but none of them seemed to care.

"G'night bros" I heard Mikey say and I just couldn't help but to smile.

"Good night Mikey, good night Donnie" I told both of them before I let out a yawn.

"Night Leo, night Mikey" I heard Donnie say and just like that all of us had fallen asleep.

I wasn't normally the one to sleep long but after that fight I felt so tired that my body didn't listen when I tried to wake up early, or at least I thought it was early.

"Dude! You're finally awake!" I heard Mikey scream and I had to hold back myself from flying out of the bed to slap Mikey across his face while screaming at him for waking me up.

"Yeah I'm up, guess I just needed the long sleep" When I heard Raphael replay to Mikey I quickly turned my head to look at him and for the first time in weeks he looked a lot better.

"We know" I just had to say something and with that I stood up and Donnie was soon up as well.

"I'm going to let Splinter know!" I heard Mikey scream and the look on Raph's face told me that he was relieved that Mikey finally let go off him.

"So what's been going on while I was out?" I heard Raph ask one of us but since I could tell that Donnie didn't want to tell him I knew I had to.

"Not much really, just a fight against kraang and it was a hard to fight against them without you. I guess Master Splinter was right, we are stronger when the four of us are together" I responded and found myself slightly rub my arm but luckily Raph didn't seem to have noticed.

"Well at least I'm finally awake and I feel a lot better" I heard Raph say before he walked out through the door.

"I can tell" I heard Donnie say and when Raph looked at him Donnie just smiled.

I saw the smile Raph gave him and just couldn't help but to smile as well, Raph was finally awake and now we could all go back to the way it used to be.

_But do I really want that? _

_Do I really just want to go back to being the older brother to Raph?_

_A small part of me says yes….. A bigger part says no….. Why?_

Those thoughts went around my head for some reason and at the same time I thought this Splinter walked out from his room with Mikey beside him but since I was too deep in my own thoughts I couldn't make out what he was saying.

And before I knew it I had both eaten breakfast and gotten through our morning training, all with still just half listening. And when I heard Raph say that he wanted to continue his training I had agreed to keep an eye on him so he wouldn't over work himself but I found myself failing to do that as well.

When I heard the sound of something or someone hit the floor hard I quickly turned my head and saw Raph on his knees with both his hands on the floor in front of him and he was panting like crazy.

"Raph! Are you okay?" I asked him as I got over to him and put one of his arms around my neck and helped him up on his feet.

"Yeah I'm fine, just pushed myself too hard I guess" I heard him replay and before I could react he had moved away from me and that made me realize that he hadn't just been ignoring to talk to me he had been avoiding me completely, it broke my heart when I realized that but I tried to hide it as much as possible.

"If you say so" I said after a few seconds and I saw a hint in his eyes that he was relieved.

I didn't say much after that, I just looked at him while trying to figure out the reason behind him avoiding me.

"But tell me one thing Raph. Why have you been so distanced from me lately?" I asked and I wanted to know the real truth not just another lie.

"Don't know, guess it's because I know how much you and I argue and I guess I don't want to argue so much with you. Don't tell me you can't see how it makes both Donnie and Mikey worried" After I had heard his answer something in me shifted, it was another one of his lies and I was tired of them I just want to know the truth. Was that too much to ask for?

"Yes I am aware of that but pushing me away from you won't make it better" I stated and I could tell from the look in his eyes that he knew that I was right.

"And why were you so worried about our bond as brothers anyway?" I said out of the blue maybe if I asked in a different way he would tell me or at least give me a hint on why.

After I had said that I saw how his body froze, he didn't move heck I even think he stopped breathing for a moment there. I also saw how he tried to find the right words to say but he was still unable to. His mouth opened but nothing came out so he was forced to close his mouth again.

_Come on Raph please tell me….. Nothing will change between us and you know that….._

I mentally tried to encourage him and just hope that it would work.


	8. Chapter 8

Impossible Chapter 8

I couldn't help but to feel like a big coward, it was just some feelings. Feelings I knew that deep inside I shouldn't really feel still they were there and I was terrified to get my heart broken but I can't stay quiet anymore, I have to let him know now or one day it might be too late. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves.

_I love you Leo, more than just a brother._

That was all I had to say but again it failed, I couldn't bring myself to say a word. So I thought about one thing that would work as a lie for now. In time I'll let Leo know but until I can get some kind of hint that he feels the same way I'm not going to say a word about it.

"I think you know the answer to that question yourself" I started off and I saw from the look in his eyes that I took him by surprise.

"All the fights we have between the kraang, the Foot Clan and the Purple Dragons are all putting our bond on the line. Not to mention my temper….. One day I might do something I'll regret…." I wanted to continue but it was as if the nightmares just came crashing down on me all over again making me feel terrible. I guess Leo could tell I was bothered by it because before I knew it Leo and walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me, I wanted to push him away but at the same time I wanted to pull him closer. Trapped with two choices I didn't do any of them, I just stood there and fought my tears. I didn't want to cry, not in front of Leo.

"Like I said before Raph, nothing is going to break our bond as brothers" I heard Leo repeat to me and even though I felt happy to hear that a part of me wanted to know that he truly meant it.

"Even if I might lose it so bad one that I might hurt one of you so bad or even kill one of you? You know how I get during one of my tantrums…." I stated to him but I kept my gaze on the floor, I didn't want him to see the pained look in my eyes.

"I would still forgive you Raph, believe me. Sure I would be mad at you for a long time but in the end I would learn that people do crazy and stupid things when they're so angry but I'll always know that you don't want to hurt any of us Raph. You'll need to learn that I love you and our brothers, nothing in this world is going to change that" When I heard him say the word 'Love' I wanted to say the same thing back and tell him I loved him more than just a brother but yet again I failed to do that.

"I love you and our brothers as well, which is why I would never forgive myself if I ever did such a thing" I had to let him know the truth, if my brothers got hurt because of me I could never forgive myself.

"Which is why me, Splinter, Donnie and Mikey will always be around to make sure that doesn't happen" After he said that I couldn't stop myself, I just had to wrap my arms around him and return to hug. Leo has always been around to support me but I've never truly showed him how much that meant to me and for that I felt horrible.

I didn't say anything after that and neither did Leo, we just hugged each other and that was something we haven't done in years. Too be honest I didn't know what to say because I was scared that if I said one thing the wrong way I would either break down and cry or make Leo mad at me and I didn't want any of that. I didn't want Leo to be mad at me, it pained me to know that I did something that would make him mad and possibly hurt him mentally. But I also didn't want to cry in front of Leo, I've never done that and I'm planning to keep it that way for years to come. I know that getting comfort is what you need when you cry but I just can't bring myself to get it.

"Is that the reason behind your nightmares? You're dreaming that you're killing one of us?" Leo sounded like he forced himself to ask that and maybe he did force himself to ask just that.

"Yeah… It was always the same. I was sitting on top either Mikey or Donnie while beating them with the handle of one of my sais… It just all seemed so real, it scares me just thinking about it" I told Leo and after I said that I felt how he pulled me tighter to him. I didn't tell him though about the part where he comes after me and kills me, it seemed like I deserved it in the dream but just knowing it was Leo who killed me made me almost jump out of the bed.

"Shhh… It's okay Raph, it all just happened in a dream. None of it will happen for real" I hear him whisper to me and before I knew it I felt one of his arms move from the back of my shell up to my neck. A light shiver escaped me from the touch to be honest I wasn't to found of things on my neck, see it kind of like one of my weak spots.

"Are you two done with your extra training? Dinner is done" I heard Donnie say, I had no idea how long we have been in here but it must have been a while if dinner was ready.

"Yeah we're coming" Leo responded before he let go of me, Donnie never walked into the dojo and I'm happy he didn't, for now I hope that Leo can keep it between us what my nightmares were all about.

"Promise me one thing Leo, never tell Donnie or Mikey what my nightmares were about. I don't want them to get worried" I managed to say before Leo walked out of the dojo.

"I promise" I saw the truth within his eyes and that made me take a deep breath before I followed Leo out of the dojo and the moment I walked out both April and Casey had walked up to me.

"You're finally awake" April said and I saw that she was fighting to urge to hug me, good for her.

"Yeah for a moment I thought you were never going to wake up" I heard Casey say not long after that.

"Well I guess a few nights without any sleep gets to you and I finally got a chance to make up for it and just sleep until I woke up" I forced myself to let them know, they might be my friends but I don't trust them as much as I trust my family.

They didn't say much after that they just smiled at me and followed me back to the kitchen and the moment we got there I saw the look on Donnie's face when he saw how close Casey were to April and if looks could kill, there wouldn't be much left of Casey. The look Donnie gave Casey was so bad that if it were possible that look could possibly tear every limb of Casey and put them all in some kind of blender, leaving nothing but pieces. I knew that Donnie was jealous but that look was too much.

_Looks like Casey have been in more than a few fights while I was out. I know that Casey wants to play a vigilante but without years of training in any type of combat he could be toast in really big fights. He can handle a few, I've seen that but if one of the kraang sends some of their robots on him and he is not armed? He sure wouldn't survive long. And if one of the Foot ninjas would attack him, it would be a hard fight for him since the Foot ninjas are getting harder and harder for us to kill. And by us I mean me and my brothers and we have been trained in the art of ninjitsu all our lives. _

I found myself thinking about the safety of Casey more than usual, I know that he can take care of himself but one day he might not. I didn't want to think that one of my friends, beside my brothers, could either get badly injured or killed in a fight. In a way I know that me and Casey are alike with our temper but unlike Casey I know when there is time to fall back from a fight, sure it will make me mad but it's either that or get killed and I rather not get killed in a fight just yet.

For the most part everything was as it used to be when we all ate dinner like this, Splinter would make something for himself and eat in front of the TV to watch one of his favorite TV-shows, Mikey would be the one to cook the food when April and Casey didn't bring any pizza and he would make our food the way we like it and then he would put on so many disgusting things on his own food that he would throw it up and first but then force himself to eat it he would also sit at the end of the table so he had the benches to his left and Leo would sit beside him on his right. Donnie would sit on the opposite side of the table with Mikey in front of him and on his left April would sit and he didn't eat much he just talked to April on ways to get more supplies so they could make more retro mutogen, Leo would eat mostly in silence unless someone spoke to him though I knew that he was bothered by Mikey who never sat still. April would be like Donnie not eating much and just talk. On her left Casey would sit and he would either talk to me or try to get April's attention from Donnie, sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. And me I would just sit beside Leo and talk to Casey whenever he spoke to me and if he didn't I'd be like Leo and just sit there and eat.

_Everything is getting back to normal, remember Raphael this is for the best._

I tried to tell myself that but just thinking it made my heart break but I never let it show. Not right now at least since I wanted this moment with everyone around me being happy, I didn't want to be the one to ruin their time or be the one to make them lose their appetite.


	9. Chapter 9

Impossible Chapter 9

I just kept looking at Raphael as he kept his gaze at the floor and from the looks of it he was fighting the urge to say something or come up with another lie. If he plans on lying to be again I won't let him out of this dojo until he tells me, I can't let him keep this up and if I do it might be too late one day.

_No, I'll never let that happen. Not as long as I breathe. _

I thought to myself and felt how I slowly started to drift off into my own thoughts.

"I think you know the answer to that question yourself" Now that was a question that took me by surprise and what did he even mean by that? If I would know the reason I wouldn't be asking why.

"All the fights we have between the kraang, the Foot Clan and the Purple Dragons are all putting our bond on the line. Not to mention my temper… One day I might do something I'll regret….." Just by looking at him I could tell that he wanted to continue but I never let him finish. Before he could say a word I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around him, I know he isn't the one to ask for comfort but I'll always give him comfort when I can tell that he needs it and right now he needs it more than ever.

"Like I said before Raph, nothing is going to break our bond as brothers" I told him again but for some reason it felt like a knife had cut through my heart after I had said that.

"Even if I might lose it so bad that I might hurt one of you so bad or even kill one of you? You know how I get during one of my tantrums…." I heard him say to me and even thought I know that might just happen a part of me screamed at me that it will never happen. At least I want to believe it but I can never convince myself of that, I've told myself for years that Raph will never hurt any of us but then again I know that one day it might happen.

"I would still forgive you Raph, believe me. Sure I would be mad at you for a long time but in the end I would learn that people do crazy and stupid things when they're so angry but I'll always know that you don't want to hurt any of us Raph. You'll need to learn that I love you and our brothers, nothing in this world is going to change that" I had to tell him that to let him know, he is my brother and I'll always forgive him. We may not be blood related brothers but they still are to me. And after I had said to Raph that I love him it was as if it wasn't good enough so that I love him as a brother, I wanted to let him know that he was something more to me than just a brother but I could bring myself to say it.

"I love you and our brothers as well, which is why I would never forgive myself if I ever did such a thing" Was the only respond I got from him and I knew that he would have a hard time forgiving himself if he did hurt one of us, he have always been like that. He would behave like he doesn't care about us but I know that he does but he doesn't want any of us to know, too bad I can read him like an open book. And when he said that he loved me I felt how my heart skipped a beat.

"Which is why me, Splinter, Donnie and Mikey will always be around to make sure that doesn't happen" I told him to reassure him that he wouldn't have to worry so much about his temper, all of us will always be around to support him. After I had said I felt how he wrapped him arms around me to return the hug.

Silence followed after that, I didn't know what else to say and I think that Raph didn't know either. And for the time being I was happy about this silence and I was happy to just be this close to Raph without having to worry about him trying to punch me. This is something I've missed, just being able to hug Raph and not having to worry about him pushing me away.

"Is that the reason behind your nightmares? You're dreaming that you're killing one of us?" I didn't want to ask him that mostly because I was scared that he would get angry but I just had to know. If that is the reason I'm never going to bring this up again.

"Yeah…. It was always the same. I was sitting on top either Mikey or Donnie while beating them with the handle of one of my sais…. It all seemed so real, it scares me just thinking about it" I heard him replay and I could help but to just pull Raph closer to me while also tighten the grip around him.

"Shhh….. It's okay Raph, it all just happened in a dream. None of it will happen for real" I whispered to him as I tried my best to comfort him while I also moved on of my hands from the back of his shell up to his neck. When my hand was on his neck I started to slowly move my thump up and down. I remember that this always helped to calm both Mikey and Donnie down when they were sad and from the looks of it, it seems to work on Raph as well.

"Are you two done with your extra training? Dinner is done" I heard Donnie say after a while and to be honest I had no idea how long me and Raph and been in here but right now I'm just happy that Donnie hadn't opened the door and walked inside, it's not every day Donnie sees me and Raph hugging each other.

"Yeah we're coming" I told Donnie before I let go of Raphael and headed for the door.

"Promise me one thing Leo, never tell Donnie or Mikey what my nightmares are about. I don't want them to get worried" I heard Raph say before I even had a chance to open the door and I could see what he meant by that, both Donnie and Mikey would get really worried if they knew the reason behind Raph's nightmares.

"I promise" I said and looked at him so he could see that I really meant it before I walked out of the dojo, when I had walked out I saw both Casey and April make their way over to the dojo. Probably to see how Raph was doing after being asleep for so long, I didn't stay around to listen to them so I had walked a head into the kitchen where I saw both Donnie and Mikey setting up the table. Seeing them having their small fights over which plate would go where was pretty funny to see.

_They work great together when we are topside either fighting or just patrolling but when we're back home they can almost never work together._

I thought to myself before I sat down on my usual spot which was soon followed by Raphael, Casey, April, Donnie and lastly Mikey. My head was filed with different thoughts that I shut out what everyone started to talk about when our food were on our plates, I was mostly thinking about what had happened between me and Raph in the dojo not too long ago.

_What if me and Raph were something more than just brothers? What would our brothers and most importantly what would Splinter say? How would the three of them react? _

I don't know why I started to think about such things but I guess it should be clear for me but I didn't want to believe it. I had fallen in love with Raphael, I might have had this crush on him for a long time without knowing it or it could have come recently. But I'm sure of one thing though, I have defiantly fallen in love with him. I cannot deny that fact any longer. The way I feel when he is close to me and the way I feel when he is not around and most importantly how I feel right now after being that close to him. It had set my mind on wild thoughts I know I should never let anyone know about and the way a part of me were screaming at me to just let it happen.

_Pin him down and make him yours! Now is a better time than ever! He is right in your arms! Just do it!_

Something inside me screamed that at me but I never listened to it, I contained myself and kept that part of me on chains for now. I don't even want to think about what to say or do if anyone had walked in on me doing such a thing.

I snapped out of my thoughts for a moment so I could at least finish my dinner and when I was done I was surprised to see that I was the only one left in the kitchen.

_Wow must have been really deep in my own thoughts this time._

I thought to myself as I got up from the chair and took care of all the dishes, serves me right for not paying any attention. When I was finally done I walked over to Donnie's lab and walked inside and to my relief he was all alone.

"Umm…. Donnie? Can I talk to you for a moment?" I asked out loud, Donnie moved his gaze from his laptop to look at me. He seemed a bit surprised to see me here.

"Oh hey Leo, sure what's on your mind?" I was happy to know that I could share these feelings with someone without having to worry about lying too much, everyone knows how bad I am at lying.

"Well you see…." I started off as I closed the door after me and walked over to an empty chair to sit down on it.

"I have fallen in love with someone and I seriously don't know what to do. Should I just keep this all to myself or should I say something?" It felt weird to ask one of my younger brothers this but I didn't know who else to turn to. I could have asked Splinter but he wouldn't have said a word until he knew who I had a crush on.

"Hmm… Well of course you should say it to the person. If you don't it might be too late one day and you'll be mad at yourself for not saying anything while you still had the chance" I know he had a point in that statement but just walking up to Raph and let him know such a thing would be easy.

"May I also know who you have a crush on?" He asked me and I saw the curiosity in his eyes grow by the minute.

"Only if you promise not to look at me any differently or say a word to anyone else" I said and kept looking at him.

"I promise" He said and kept his eyes on me, the curiosity had grown so much now that he even started to lean forward in his seat. It was pretty fun to see him like this, he looks like a tot.

_If Raph now feels the same Donnie is bound to find out sooner or later so letting him know now might not be a bad idea._

I thought to myself as I took a deep breath to push away my thoughts so I would calm down.

"I have fallen in love with Raph…." I told him but I heard how it almost sounded like a whisper.

At first Donnie didn't say a word he just looked at me but before I could even say anything else a big smile appeared on his face like he knew something I didn't and that worried me a bit.

"Don't worry Leo I'm going to help you with this" I heard him mutter to himself, I had no idea what he meant by that but I sure hope it was a good thing.

_Don't worry Leo it is Donnie you're talking to, he'll never do anything to make things worse…. Or at least I hope so…_


	10. Chapter 10

Impossible Chapter 10

It didn't take long until everyone but Leo had finished their dinner and I saw the impatient look on Mikey's face as he was the one to take care of the dishes today, since Mikey had to take care of the dishes once when he was the last one to put his dishes on the bench I decided it was Leo's turn to see how that feels like. I walked over to Mikey and saw how he focused his eyes on our older brother Leo who was still just staring blankly forward while, he didn't eat much when he was like this but I knew he would snap out of it sooner or later.

"Hey Mikey why don't you just make Leo take care of the dishes? I mean didn't he force you to do that once when we were younger because you were the last one to finish your food?" asked my youngest brother, at first he didn't say anything but after a few seconds he looked at me.

"Well yeah he did but you know master Splinter will get mad at me if I don't take care of the dishes" He finally said but I saw from the look in his eyes that he just wanted to go back to play more of his videogames before we go topside on our patrol.

"Well if Leo doesn't finish any time soon you'll have to wait and I know you don't like to wait" I told him before I walked away.

It didn't take long until I heard Mikey scream for himself that he was going to beat his own high score on one of the videogames he owned, I knew he would listen to what I said and let Leo take care of the dishes.

When I stood in the living room I guess you could call it I looked around and saw Mikey on the couch playing a videogame, Casey and April were talking to each other about what else they were going to do during the summer and Donnie was probably in his own lab again. I decided I should talk to Donnie for a bit, I want to tell someone about my feelings but I have a feeling that if I tell Mikey he won't let me hear the end of it and Splinter? I'm not even sure what he would say and in a way that scared me, I don't want him to tell me that me and Leo can't be like that. If he would say that I don't think I would be able to stay here, knowing that the very person I call father can't accept the feelings I have. And I'm not going to tell April or Casey, reason being that I don't trust them enough to say anything.

So I made my way over to Donnie's lab and when I opened the door I saw Donnie sit in front of his laptop doing something. I'm not sure what he does on his laptop but I'm guessing he's either doing some kind of research or he is watching the pictures of April that he has on his laptop. If you ask me that is a bit creepy if you ask me but then again I can also see why he is watching those pictures so often.

"Hey Donnie, can I talk to you for a moment?" I asked him and saw how he moved his gaze from his laptop to look at me.

"Sure Raph, what is it?" He said before he closed his laptop and pointed to one of the chairs for me to sit down on.

I closed the door after me and slowly made my way over to the chair, this is what I like about Donnie. He is always willing to listen to you and no matter what you tell him he'll never look at you any differently. And he is also the one out of the four of us to keep a secret really good. I can keep a secret pretty good as well but I'm not nearly as good as Donnie. Mikey he can keep a secret but it depends on what type of secret it is and Leo is the only one out of us that can't keep a secret.

"Well as you know I'm not really that good at showing my emotions" I started off as I sat down on the chair and Donnie didn't take his eyes off me.

"And the thing is that I have fallen in love with someone and no matter how much I want to say something I just can't. So I don't really know what to do" I finished after a while and at first Donnie didn't say anything, he just looked at me.

"Are you scared that you'll be rejected? Or is it something else that keeps you from saying anything?" Donnie said after a few minutes of silence.

"In a way I am scared of being rejected but I'm also scared it will ruin our family…" I found myself replaying to him, it felt weird talking about this to Donnie but in a way it felt good that someone knew.

"Why would it ruin our family?" Donnie asked me and I saw the confused look on his face, I guess I have to tell him who it is I have a crush on.

"Well because I love Leo…. I actually have for over a year now…" I finally forced myself to tell Donnie, I saw how something in Donnie shifted but he didn't look disgusted or angry in fact he looked happy.

"I don't think you have to worry about Mikey and Splinter in that matter if Leo feels the same. Mikey is like me, he cares about both you and Leo a lot and I don't think he cares if you two would get together. It would just take some time for both of us to get used to it. As for Splinter I don't think he is going to deny the feelings you have towards Leo, he can't really force you not to be with Leo anyway." Donnie said and I knew that in a way he was right. And if Leo meant what he said earlier, if he doesn't feel the same for me nothing is going to change between the two of us.

"Thanks Donnie and can I ask a favor from you?" That question made Donnie look confused again.

"Sure what is it?"

"If Leo tells you that he feels the same for me, can you let me know? That way I think I know a pretty good way to let Leo know my true feelings for him" I said and saw Donnie smile at me in return.

"Sure if you can promise me one thing"

"What?" After hearing he would help me, the least I can do is listen to what he as to say.

"That you'll let me in on that plan or give me some advice to tell Mikey?"

"Of course, have you moved on from April or what?" The question took me by surprise but if Donnie is willing to help me, I'm willing to help him in return.

"You can say I have, I've been pretty clear in letting her know that I love her but she hasn't shown me anything that she feels the same and if you look at the way she acts around Casey. You just know she has a thing for him and not me. Besides I don't feel the way around her I did at first, it sort of faded with time I guess."

"And now you feel like you used to when you're with Mikey?" I asked him but the look on his face told me everything I needed to know.

"Yeah"

I got up from my chair and smiled at my younger brother I walked over to him and petted him on his head.

"Don't worry Donnie since you're going to help me I'm going to help you"

After I told him that he looked up at me and gave me a smile, when I heard Mikey scream at the game because he lost I could help to walk over to the door and open it too look at him. And like always Mikey was on his knees in front of the TV while holding a controller and he screamed at the TV that his life was ruined because he had lost when he was so close to beat his own high score. I couldn't help but laugh at Mikey.

"I'll see ya later Donnie"

"Yeah, later Raph" I heard Donnie replay before I walked out of his lab and closed the door after me.

I didn't really know what else to do so I walked over to the training dummy we have with a helmet on, Mikey put on that helmet to make the dummy look like the Shredder and remembering him saying that to the rest of us while we were so young made me smirk. We all liked the idea back then and even though years have passed we still keep the helmet on it. But I guess none of us took it off because we liked the idea of having our own Shredder dummy in our lair that we could punch and kick whenever we felt like it. But I was still the only one out of the four of us to use it the most, I don't know what it is about punching a dummy when you're angry but it sure makes me feel a lot better afterwards. But right now I didn't punch it because I was angry I was punching it because I didn't know what else to do.

_I hope Donnie is right about what he told me or else this whole thing is going to be impossible. Well I won't know until I try, right?_

I told myself as I kept punching the old dummy.


	11. Chapter 11

Impossible Chapter 11

I kept looking at Donnie before I stood up from the chair and let out a sigh, a light feeling of frustration suddenly fell over me but I tried my best to try and figure out something. It's not like I can just walk up to Raphael and tell him that I love him. No I'll have to figure out another way to let him know.

"Are you okay Leo?"

"Yeah I'm just fine I just need some time to think I guess… Thanks for listening to me Donnie"

"Anytime Leo"

After getting all that off my chest I walked out of Donnie's lab to get some time on my own and there was no better way for me to calm down then to go to the lower part of the sewers. I have always gone there to clear my head, even though I know that my brothers could easily find me there if they wanted to tell me something it was still quiet and the silence is just what I need to calm down. As I walked out of Donnie's lab I saw Mikey mumble low to himself on how he was going to break his own high score this time for sure. All of us liked to play videogames every now and then but none of us loved it as much as Mikey does. He can't go one day without playing at least a little bit on the many games he owned.

"Hey Leo where are ya headin'?"

"Oh… Nowhere special really. Just need some time to clear my head before we go topside"

"Just don't be away for too long. 'Cause I'm not coming to look for ya"

"I'll try"

After letting Raph know I was off, I quickly ran through the sewers until I came across a hole with a ladder going straight down. I didn't think twice I just got down through the hole as fast as I could climb the ladder. Once I was down I started to run again until I could go down again.

It didn't take too long until I was on the lower levels of the sewers, just being down here brought back memories from my childhood on how me and Raph and been down here after we had played our little game of "Follow the leader". Raph started this time and he took me here, at first I knew we had to turn around because we were not allowed to be this far down. In fact we weren't allowed to be too far away from the lair at all when we were that young. But being who he is he still managed to make follow him.

**:: Flash back :: **

"_Aw come on Leo! You'll like this place and I promise that we are not going topside this time" _

"_I don't know Raph…. You know we are not supposed to be doing this…."_

_I tried to reason with Raph, I knew he had learned his lesson on why we shouldn't go topside again until we get older. After all I still have a bandage around the wound after the dog that bit me. But I knew Raph better, I knew he would be doing something like this sooner or later. _

_I really tried to reason with him but he refused to listen to me so after a while I just gave up and kept following him and the further away from our lair we got the more nervous I got. Splinter was still mad at Raph for getting me injured even though I had taken the blame he still knew that it was Raph's fault and not my own, he knew I'm more careful than that. _

"_We're here"_

_Raph came to a stop in front of me and that made me stop beside him and look at the big open space in front of us. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't impressed because I was, this place is huge!_

"_Wow! It's almost as big as our lair!" _

"_I know and I thought that maybe we could show Splinter? I'll take the real blame this time Leo if he gets mad"_

"_Why do you want to show father this place?"_

"_I was hoping that maybe we could turn this into our own playground. You know like one of those they show on TV"_

"_That would be amazing! And think about all the fun we could have!"_

**:: End of Flash Back ::**

After that we raced back home to show Splinter what we had found and like Raph said Splinter did get mad that we had been so far away from home but when he saw the big open space almost right below our lair and after all four of us started to beg he finally agreed that we could. So for days after that we used different stuff we found in the sewers and put them together so it would kind of look like different things you see on a playground. Although many of the things we had put together had over time fallen to pieces again the big truck tiers Splinter had given us to hang up here to use as swings were two of the few things that were still intact. Seeing this place in such a mess made let out a sigh, we all loved to be here as kids but as we got older we sort of forgot about this place. We all started to focus more on our training and left this place behind.

I slowly made my way over to one of the tiers and sat down on it and at first I just sat there while looking around, letting my head get filled with old memories that I seemed to have forgotten all about. I couldn't help but to smile as I kept getting these memories into my head, back then none of us cared that we didn't have anything. We only had each other and we were all happy about it but as time passed by we all started to realize that we didn't have anything at all, it made the world seem so unfair for all of us but the one who took it the hardest was Raph. After he started to see that his temper got worse and worse with each passing year, we all tried to come up with ways to make him see that as long as we have each other we don't need fancy things but nothing seemed to work.

"Why did it all change so fast….?"

I let out a sigh after saying that out loud to no one, I found myself doing that a lot when there was no one around.

""And why did our friendship end Raph…..? You weren't just my brother you were the only one that seemed to understand me…. Don't push me away any more Raph…. I love you…. So, so much….."

After letting that out I felt tears start building up in my eyes and I was fast to take off my bandana so it wouldn't get wet because of my tears. The grip around my bandana got tighter and I put my other hand over my eyes but the tears just kept falling, I didn't want to cry but I couldn't stop my tears from falling. My throat started to hurt as I held back most of my tears but I still felt a few fall down from my eyes. Realizing just how much Raph meant to me and just how much I loved him made me hate myself for not seeing it sooner. Maybe I did know but I didn't want to face the problem so I pushed it aside which made Raph push himself away from me. Knowing that hurt way more than anything.

"Leo?! You down here big bro? It's time for us to go topside!"

I had no idea how long I had been here but hearing the sound of Mikey's voice coming closer and closer I knew that I had to force myself to stop crying and get a move on. Right now I needed to be the leader as the four of us were going topside.

"Yeah I'm here Mikey! And I'm coming"

I forced myself to tell him as I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand to get rid of the remaining tears before I put my mask on and headed back to the lair.

_Everything is going to be just fine Leo. I'm through running away from my feelings! I have to let Raphael know tonight or it might be too late. _

As I told myself that a small smile appeared on my face.

I soon saw Mikey up a head and the two of us headed back to the lair to see if Donnie and Raph were ready to go.


	12. Chapter 12

Impossible Chapter 12

I watched Leo leave and no matter how much I wanted to follow him I knew that he needed some time for himself so I just let out a silent sigh and kept beating the old dummy. In the background I could hear Mikey scream "Yes!" and "No!" whenever something was going good or bad, it made it hard for me to keep a straight face but after a few deep breaths I managed to push away Mikey's screaming from my head.

The hours passed by faster than I thought because out of nowhere I heard a faint sound of a door opening and closing followed by Donnie's voice.

"Where's Leo? It's time for us to go topside…"

"He left hours ago to clear his head but I have no idea where we went"

I let him know, Mikey was too focused on his game to even notice Donnie when he walked up to him.

"Well in that case. Mikey can you try to find him?"

Donnie didn't get a respond from our youngest brother and that made me let out a light chuckle, Donnie only glared at me before he grabbed the controller and hit the pause button.

"Hey! I almost beat my high score!"

"Yeah but right now you need to find Leo. It's time for our daily patrol"

"Really?! Alright! I'll find him! No problem"

And with that he was off, leaving me and Donnie in the living room. I couldn't stop myself from laughing after seeing Mikey's reaction, he always got super hyped when we were going topside and in a way I could see why. It feels good to run around on the rooftops while showing off to one another without having to worry about being seen by anyone. It sure beats being down here all the time just training and then go back to do nothing.

"Mikey sure knows how to brighten up someone's day"

"Y-Yeah he sure does….. By the way Leo came to talk to me earlier…."

"So?...?"

I tried not to sound interested but I failed at that, I really wanted to know what Leo had told Donnie.

"So he told me that he has a crush on you"

"H-He did?"

I felt how my heart started to race in my chest and I tried my best to cover the smile on my face but I just couldn't, I'm way too happy right now.

"So how are you going to tell him and when?"

"I'm going to tell him tonight on our patrol. I know a pretty tall building that overlooks the city and at night time with the bright lights from all the other buildings the view can be pretty amazing" 

I looked at Donnie but the smile was still on my face and it caused him to smile back at me. Normally I didn't smile but right now I just couldn't stop myself and I guess it took Donnie by surprise at first but since he saw how happy I truly was he couldn't do much else then smile back at me.

"Any advice on how I can tell Mikey? I really have no clue"

"Well…. Not really but I guess you could keep it simple?"

"Simple? How?"

"If I can get Leo into sending you and Mikey home first you could and you could either play videogames with him or watch one of his favorite movies? And then ya know just tell him while you're still having so much fun"

"That's…. Actually a pretty good idea"

And before any of us could say anything else Mikey jumped into the lair and landed beside Donnie making Donnie let out a scream in surprise. Mikey just smiled at him before he turned to look at me.

"Found Leo, time to go!"

And with that he was off again and both me and Donnie just laughed at him as we headed for the exit.

And as always it didn't take long until the four of us stood on the rooftops ready to go our separate ways to cover more ground. Not completely separated but me and Leo would go one direction and Donnie and Mikey would go the opposite.

"Okay Donnie and Mikey if you see anything let me or Raph know so we can come and help you. If we see anything one of us will contact you guys"

"Okay and if we don't see anything?"

"Then report that to me and head back to the lair"

When we all came to that agreement we were off, I headed straight for that building. I didn't want to keep these feelings inside of me any longer.

"Uh… Raph? Where are you going?"

"I'm taking the long way. This city is big you know"

Leo went quiet after that but I knew that he was still following me and the closer to the building we got the more nervous I got about letting him know.

_Pull yourself together Raphael….. You're so close you just can't back down now!_

I told myself as I started to run up the fire escape of the building to get to the roof, Leo was still right behind me and the moment we got up on the roof I stopped in my tracks and looked around.

The view was pretty amazing you could see pretty much of the city from up here but the thing I liked most about it was that you could see the different colors of light coming from down below. The city seemed to have been taken straight out of a picture and I loved the view.

"Wow…. I didn't know the city looked so amazing at night time…. Did you find this view?"

"Yeah I did found it and every night when I either couldn't sleep or just needed some time on my own I would come up here and just look over the city. It almost seems unreal to see something like this right?"

"Yeah it's like seeing the city straight from a picture"

"Yeah"

At first we just stared at the city below us and I could see now why they call it the city that never sleeps, it looked so alive even though a lot of people might have gone to bed by now. The smile I had before returned to myself and I turned my head to look at Leo, at first he didn't know that I was looking at him but after a while he turned his head to look back at me.

"What? Is something wrong?"

"No I just thought you'd like to know the reasons why I brought you up here"

"Oh? You had more than one reason? That's new but yes I would like to know"

"Reason 1 is because I just wanted you to see the view and reason 2 is because I wanted to tell you something"

"Tell me what?"

_Here goes nothing._

"I just wanted to tell you that… I…..Love you Leo…. More than just a brother"

I forced myself to say and at first Leo just looked at me, his eyes were slightly widen in surprise to what I had just told him and his jaw was slightly open. When he didn't say anything I assumed he didn't feel the same way so I turned around to walk away.

But before I could take a step I felt one hand on my shoulder that caused me to turn around and face Leo, just as I was about to open my mouth to say something his arms went around my neck and his lips connected to my own.

My body froze but when my head finally caught up on what was happening, my arms wrapped around Leo and when his lips parted from mine I just kissed him again.

I can't find the right words to describe the kiss but it was amazing. Now I see why many say the first kiss is always the best.

Even though our kiss didn't last longer than a few minutes it felt like it lasted for hours. When I opened my eyes I saw Leo's eye look straight on my own and he gave me the biggest smile ever and I returned the smile.

"I love you too Raph…. I just wished I could have seen that sooner"

I rested my forehead against Leo's forehead and I didn't say a word, I didn't want to say anything either but I knew I had to say something.

"You know that it's going to be hard for us to be like this right?"

"I know but I'm willing to take the chance if it means I get to be with you"

After he said that I couldn't help but to kiss him again.

_This relationship sure is going to be hard to keep but I'm going to do everything in my power to keep it strong. No matter how much pressure it might get from all our fights with our enemies and at home with our family. If it's with Leo it's worth fighting for and it beats having these feelings locked up inside. That sure would have been impossible. _

The End.

**:: Note ::**

**So what happened after that? What happened between Mikey and Donnie? I don't know use your imagination for it. This is my first TMNT fanfiction ever but knowing myself there will be more. Hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Until my next story, I hope you have wonderful day/night. **


End file.
